In celebrating father’s day with
my own family this past weekend, I was completely aware that the majority of
mothers we meet raise their children without husbands, that many children
grow up without fathers. It saddens me to think that so many families are
broken and that there is this huge gap of influence for too many children.
As a part of our information
gathering, we keep statistics of every mother we meet. One of our questions are
whether she is married. I’m afraid to say that the vast majority are not.
Granted, being married does not mean the children are without a father, but
what it means is that the children grow up without a PRESENT father.
Sociologist, Dr. David Popenoe,
is one of the pioneers of the relatively young field of research into fathers
and fatherhood. "Fathers are far more than just 'second adults' in the
home," he says. "Involved fathers bring positive benefits to their children
that no other person is as likely to bring."¹
Sadly, especially when meeting
teenage moms, it is hard to convince them of the importance of having a father
present. In the society in which we live and work, it has become acceptable and
the norm for grandmothers to raise children of their teen daughters. There is a
sad state of affairs which can almost be described as a lack of ambition, a
feeling of ‘if it was ok for me, it is ok for my child’. I often wonder why
more people don’t want more for their children, better than what we had?
Our mothers are isolated and
alone and frequently driven to extremely heart-breaking and desperate decisions,
often feeling so overwhelmed and depressed that they might see no other way
than to abandon their babies. Over 500 babies are abandoned in Cape Town alone each year.
In instances of extreme poverty
and unemployment, desperation soars and abuse is often a part of daily living. Women are abused and a sense of acquiescence allows it to continue.
“One of the most important
influences a father can have on his child is indirect—fathers influence their
children in large part through the quality of their relationship with the
mother of their children. A father who has a good relationship with the mother
of their children is more likely to be involved and to spend time with their
children and to have children who are psychologically and emotionally
healthier. Similarly, a mother who feels affirmed by her children's father and
who enjoys the benefits of a happy relationship is more likely to be a better
mother. Indeed, the quality of the relationship affects the parenting behaviour
of both parents.”¹
At Bosom Buddies we are investigating
a holistic approach in supporting mothers through the first 1000 days of their
baby’s lives. We anticipate meeting the mother in the first trimester of
pregnancy, and walking alongside her until her child enters preschool at age 2.
Our empowerment will include topics such as health, safety, nutrition,
stimulation, discipline, positive parenting and more. We hope to initiate a
pilot programme to this effect in Grabouw from early next year. We encourage
support groups within the community, where women form bonds of sisterhood and
friendship and support, because at the end of the day our counsellors go home
to their own families and the mothers go home alone and we all know that a hand
to hold and a heart to understand is sometimes all that we need. And often all
that we have to offer.
¹ https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/fatherhood/chaptertwo.cfm
